# anekdot
set anrand = RAND (0,50)
if anrand = 0:set $anek = '- How do you feel about clowns?
- Just do not have to provoke me on anti-government statements!'
if anrand = 1:set $anek = 'fastened driver, dropping out "Oka", might accidentally throw it through the thigh.'
if anrand = 2:set $anek = 'Two old men on a bench in a nursing home:
- A grandson asked me yesterday, what I was doing at the time of the sexual revolution.
- Well?
- said, that I was almost immediately captured, and the rest of my life I spent washing dishes.'
if anrand = 3:set $anek = 'Odessa. By Privoz goes fat lady, and a few steps behind her is woven with huge bags weedy husband. Strap for one of the bags held, hanging out in different directions, child. Man says sadly:
- Fima, still believe my experience: never marry!
The boy thought for a long time, picking finger free hand in the nose, and then it is reasonable to ask:
- dad, and with whom I was going to share their bitter experience?'
if anrand = 4:set $anek = 'Police - GIVE
Head - TRIBUTE
Beggar - Kin
doctor - Take_out
Official - SUN
Billion oligarch - Kui
Instead of the normal salary - Hui

Live in Russia, but for some-then В«ChineseВ» literacy_...'
if anrand = 5:set $anek = 'Unlike other cats .
Throughout the night sleeping in the bedroom, and in the morning cheerfully runs to sleep in the hall.'
if anrand = 6:set $anek = 'Our Earth - is a place, where aliens show their children, as you can not live.'
if anrand = 7:set $anek = 'at the press-conference:
- Anatoly Borisovich, but you promised all along the Volga ? Where can I get my part?
- take a bucket, Go to Nizhny Novgorod, go to the river...'
if anrand = 8:set $anek = 'girls, if you had a choice: World Peace or neoblezayuschy manicure, what color nail polish would you choose?'
if anrand = 9:set $anek = 'We like: if dancing in the church - you accused, and you will be put, and if stolen more than a hundred million - you are only a witness ...'
if anrand = 10:set $anek = 'Judging by the teachers` wages, our government consists of a vengeful Losers.'
if anrand = 11:set $anek = 'Last year I asked Santa Claus to become compatriot GГ©rard Depardieu. Who knew, that the old man so perverted.'
if anrand = 12:set $anek = 'A guy goes to a meeting, late, nervous, can not find a location
park. Raises his face to the sky and said:
- Lord, help me find a place to park. I then give up and drink
going every Sunday to go to church!
Miraculously appears a free spot. guy again
refers to the sky:
- A, all, do not. found!'
if anrand = 13:set $anek = '- Watson, What are you smoking? let me guess - tobacco "Queen of Virginia"
cherries with leaves, of the anniversary issue in velvet packaging?
- astoundingly, Holmes! As you guessed it?
- her-God, Watson! Well
last pack!'
if anrand = 14:set $anek = 'Morning traffic cop goes on the road, head after yesterday`s split.
looks - jeep rushing. Well
to sober. looks, and there is a bum sitting. documents checked - the_truth,
homeless machine. Well cop asked him:
- You`re a bum. Where did you get such a cool wheelbarrow took?
- A new Russian drunk I was offered, if I make them laugh - my jeep.
Well.
- What?
- Yes, his hair grew immediately,
Here was a scream.
Cop shoots cap, there is a bald head. He says:
- And you do not care so I can?
- can.
Bum shit cop on his bald head, a from the bushes hear laughter and cry:
- Do_Not, well finally, so I gave him another hut and sell.'
if anrand = 15:set $anek = 'Glamorous Muscovite comes to visit the village to the grandmother.
- grannies, where you can go there at night?
- In a bucket.'
if anrand = 16:set $anek = 'lesson "Fundamentals of Orthodox Culture". The_teacher:
- And remember, children! those, who will learn from "4" and "5", go to heaven. A
those, who will learn from "2" and "3", - hell!
Little Johnny from the back row:
- Marivanna, and that, finish school can not live?'
if anrand = 17:set $anek = 'slogan "strangle corruption" has been recognized as extremist calling for
the violent overthrow of the existing order.'
if anrand = 18:set $anek = 'husband:
- What in-law is coming?
wife:
- Number or dick?'
if anrand = 19:set $anek = 'English Lesson. Sat in the back row man - checking
District Board of. Young teacher writing on the chalkboard English phrase and
asks the students to translate. The class is silent, and suddenly
Desks hand pulls Vovochka. The teacher hesitated, but do
there_is_nothing - caused.
Little_Johnny:
- Here`s ass. Who would plant!
The_teacher, blushing shame:
- Little_Johnny, how can you!!!
Little_Johnny, turning to the man:
- You do not know English - there is nothing to suggest!'
if anrand = 20:set $anek = 'husband wife:
- Let`s play pretend games.
- it`s like?
- well, as if you were Little Red Riding Hood, I wolf.
- class, come_on!
- well, then go, bake cakes...'
if anrand = 21:set $anek = 'That`s because surprised Depardieu, when sober...'
if anrand = 22:set $anek = 'Headquarters of the Ku Klux Klan:
- tell, How to join your organization?
- it`s just. soak 6 Blacks and one cat.
- A cat for that?
- Congratulations, you are taken'
if anrand = 23:set $anek = 'There are three friends.
One wife for ten years - another lover - third betrothed (bride).
Well, this and that - decided to experiment:
leather dress black lingerie - sexy stockings with a belt - high
heels - mask over his eyes and so meet their favorite.

A week later again found.

"bride" says - He came home, I met him in stockings, in
mask in high heels - He attacked me said, I love
his life and we had sex all night.

mistress says - I went to his office - closed the door -
opened the cloak - and there is leather lingerie, mask, heels - he did not
said, but we 5 hours without a break sex.

Wife says shyly - husband came home from work, I opened the door to
leather black lingerie, sexy stockings and mask - he looked and
asked: "What`s for dinner, Batman?"'
if anrand = 24:set $anek = '- Your bank gives loans on parole?
- No problem...
- And if I do not return?
- You will be ashamed to appear before God when.
- When it will still be...
- Here_It_Is, if you do not return the fifth, sixth appear.'
if anrand = 25:set $anek = 'biology lesson. The teacher tells the children:
- children! you know, that the stamens and pistils in flowers - are bodies
reproduction.
On the back row Vovochka:
- whore. I smelled them.'
if anrand = 26:set $anek = '- A y I VChEpand dpyg for five minutesyt cepvep broke.
- he that, hackp??!
- he myduck!!'
if anrand = 27:set $anek = 'flies aircraft. The pilot on the speakerphone:
- Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to the captain.
Listen to the information on our flight. Our flight passes
on high 10 thousand meters at a speed 900 kph,
temperature behind...Shit...A-A-A-A!.. What is this?.. OU, PIZDETS...
Inside.
A minute later:
- Apologize to the distinguished passengers. Simply it is our
flight attendant knocked on my hot coffee. Did you
now my white pants front...
A guy in the front row:
- your pants, it`s all garbage! You should have seen the back of my pants...'
if anrand = 28:set $anek = 'Escaped from the zoo elephant. call the sheriff:
- sir! In my garden there is a huge gray rat!!!!
She sryvet tail cabbage......
- And what to do?
- sir! You will not believe!.....'
if anrand = 29:set $anek = 'marriage bed - husband and wife:
wife: - My_Dear, and we will come to play role-playing games?
husband: - Bring_It_On.
wife: - you are a taxi driver, and I am a young, cute girl, Has reached that, but I have no money with him to pay the fare.
husband: - Bring_It_On.
wife: - uncle taxi driver, I have no money to pay for travel, let me go, you`re_welcome!
husband: - Go...'
if anrand = 30:set $anek = 'Put a baby pacifier-pacifier next to the stove, it melts and
stuck to the table. Scored in Yandex: how to pull out the nipple?... forgot, what
sought...'
if anrand = 31:set $anek = 'when-Long ago the old Indian told his grandson one life
truth.
- Inside every man is a struggle, very similar to the struggle between the two
wolves. One wolf represents evil - envy, jealousy, regret,
selfishness, ambitions, lie ... Another wolf represents the goodness - the world, love,
hope, civility, truth, kindness, loyalty_...
One Little Indian, touched to the core words of his grandfather, several
moments of thought, and then asked:
- And what a wolf at the end wins?
Face old Indian touched a faint smile and he said:
- Always wins the wolf, which you feed.'
if anrand = 32:set $anek = 'Interview with Russian businessman.
correspondent:
- tell, What do you think about the traffic police?
businessman:
- bandits uniquely. Do nothing, mess in the streets,
drivers robbed at every opportunity, washed- motherfuckers.
K.:
- Yes_I_Am, impartial opinion, frankly. What do you think about
Russian tamozhenikah?
B.:
- M-yes_they_are, i think, cops got excited about. Normal in general-then
children, polite, do not take too much.'
if anrand = 33:set $anek = '- I do not know, what to do. cockroaches tortured. throughout shastayut - no rest.
- Did you buy a piece of chalk for cockroaches.
- what, help?
- Of_Course. see - sitting in the corner, draw...'
if anrand = 34:set $anek = '- Hello! Rewrite me his apartment.
- What do you allow yourself!?
- Oh, excuse_me, not with that began. Do you believe in God?'
if anrand = 35:set $anek = 'It feels, that the old Russian proverb "fools law does not apply" and the concept of "parliamentary immunity" how-something to do.'
if anrand = 36:set $anek = 'If money is measured in groups, I`ve got a pit.'
if anrand = 37:set $anek = 'Policeman stops the car.
lowered window, driver smiling ingratiatingly:
"I wish you health, Comrade Captain! Here you are right, data_sheet,
power_of_attorney, strahovochka itself, all as expected, how to..."
With the rear seat child`s voice:
"dad, and where goats?"'
if anrand = 38:set $anek = '- Why are you so overwrought? what happened?
- Gave her husband on 23 February set of fishing lures.
- well, all right. Will he have 10 years every weekend fishing leaves. What is not so?
- He spit it in your hands, spit and asks: And what is it?'
if anrand = 39:set $anek = 'Mom asks young son:
- Little_Johnny, Who ate all the candy?
son:
- brownie.
voice from-behind the stove:
- do not bullshit me!'
if anrand = 40:set $anek = 'Pole comes to church for confession and the priest says:
- Ban priest, I have sinned.
- What is sin, my son?
- I cheated a Jew...
The priest :
- It is not a sin, my son. it is a miracle!'
if anrand = 41:set $anek = 'university. session. reading-room. crowded: how to prepare.
For one student comes another:
- Listen, and you `re holding the book upside down!
- And you che, Freud, whether that?
- And here Freud?
- Is_This - book! What her legs? You still say, I s between pages
peep..!'
if anrand = 42:set $anek = '- Please change the guarantor of the Constitution warranty...
- Can not help, the entire batch defective.'
if anrand = 43:set $anek = 'Jew, get home by taxi, exits silently out of the car and starts
fumbling in his pockets, and mutters under his breath:
- Damn, seems to be in the car dropped wallet...
Hearing this, taxi driver presses the gas and wound. Jew, looking after
cab, sarcastically says:
- A Rabinovich does not lie, it really works...'
if anrand = 44:set $anek = 'Son quarrels with parents:
- I`m tired of constantly be with you, always arrive on time! I want to
romance, liberty, beer, girls! I`m leaving, and do not try me
hold!
Son resolutely goes to the exit. At the door of his father catches up.
- dad, I said: do not try to stop me!
- I do not stop, son. I`m with you!'
if anrand = 45:set $anek = 'Girls gathered at a bachelorette party. All night they told jokes,
funny stories, shared with the other sisters their dreams...
By the morning of the closet fell dead with shame Lieutenant Rzhevskij.'
if anrand = 46:set $anek = 'Turkmen President Saparmurat Niyazov in the great book "Rukhnama"
proudly writes, that Turkmen invented the wheel, writing, smelting
metals. Nobody denies that. Just the other nations at this time
let computers and flew to the Moon.'
if anrand = 47:set $anek = '- I hesitate to put your diagnosis ...
surely, is alcoholism.
- Ok, doctor. I will come, when
You`ll be sober.'
if anrand = 48:set $anek = 'I do not want to say, that getting old, but all those sounds, I`ve-then uttered during sex, Now I publish, just getting up from the couch ...'
if anrand = 49:set $anek = 'The wife says to her husband:
- Let`s make love, like in the movies!
husband agreed. had it, I wanted, then on her face cumshot...
she wipes:
- yeah, favorite! We`re different movies look!!!'
if anrand = 50:set $anek = 'she:
- tell me, Why, it - macho, and if
the girls a lot of guys - damn it?
he:
- understand, If one key opens many locks - this drop dead
key! And if one lock fit all the keys - this, definitely,
horseradish castle!'


















--- anekdot ---------------------------------

