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@@ -1,132 +0,0 @@
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-# anekdot
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-anrand = rand(0, 39)
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-
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-if anrand = 0:
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- 'What is the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman?'
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- 'Snowballs.'
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-elseif anrand = 1:
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- 'Somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, two submarines, Russian and American, come to the surface.'
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- 'The Russian one is old and rusty, the American one is new and sleek matte black.'
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- 'On the Soviet one, the crew lounges about lazily, and a drunken captain yells at them: "Who threw a valenok on the control board? I''m asking you, who threw a valenok on the control board?!"'
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- 'From the American submarine, a clean-shaven, sober, and smartly-dressed captain yells scornfully: "You know, folks, in America..."'
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- 'The Russian captain dismissively interrupts him: "America??! Ain''t no fucking America no more!!"'
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- '[He turns back to his crew] "For the last time, who threw a valenok on the control board?!"'
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-elseif anrand = 2:
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- 'Two old men on a bench in a nursing home:'
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- 'One says, "My grandson asked me yesterday what I did during the sexual revolution."'
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- 'The other replies, "So what did you tell him?"'
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- '"I told him I was captured almost immediately, and got a life sentence, washing dishes.'
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-elseif anrand = 3:
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- 'My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take away his bike.'
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-elseif anrand = 4:
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- 'The bank was robbed today by a naked woman.'
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- 'No-one could remember her face'
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-elseif anrand = 5:
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- 'I thought I''d tell you a good time travel joke - But you didn''t like it.'
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-elseif anrand = 6:
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- 'I heard a report about that stomach virus going around.'
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- 'Apparently it causes 9 out of 10 people to suffer from diarrhea.'
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- 'I just can''t stop wondering about the one person who enjoys it.'
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-elseif anrand = 7:
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- 'I''m selling my parrot. Why? Because yesterday the bastard tried to sell me.'
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-elseif anrand = 8:
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- 'They threw me out of the cinema the other day for bringing my own food. Come on though, the prices are way too high and it''s been ages since I had a barbecue.'
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-elseif anrand = 9:
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- 'I went to the zoo the other day but they only had a dog on display. It was a shitzu.'
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-elseif anrand = 10:
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- 'An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it''s an exit'
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- 'A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it''s an oncoming train'
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- 'A train driver sees two idiots on the tracks.'
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-elseif anrand = 11:
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- 'Yes, money can''t buy you happiness but I''d still feel a lot happier crying in a brand new BMW.'
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-elseif anrand = 12:
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- 'Don''t be sad when a bird shits on your head. Be happy pigs can''t fly.'
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-elseif anrand = 13:
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- 'I used to believe the brain was the most important organ.'
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- 'Then I thought, look what''s telling me that.'
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-elseif anrand = 14:
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- 'Light travels faster than sound'
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- 'That''s why a lot of people look smart until they start talking.'
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-elseif anrand = 15:
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- 'Stalking: When a couple enjoy long, romantic walks with each other but only one them is aware of that fact.'
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-elseif anrand = 16:
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- 'When a guy says he likes girls with a sense of humour, that doesn''t mean he wants a girl to be witty and funny'
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- 'He just wants someone to finally laugh at his jokes.'
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-elseif anrand = 17:
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- 'I never understood why "bra" is singular and "panties" are plural'
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- 'Let''s just get rid of both.'
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-elseif anrand = 18:
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- 'During a job interview I was asked to characterize myself in five words.'
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- '"Quite Lazy"'
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-elseif anrand = 19:
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- 'I always carry an EpiPen'
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- 'My friend gave it to me when he was dying so it was obviously very important to him.'
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-elseif anrand = 20:
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- 'I bought a thesaurus yesterday'
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- 'Not only is it terrible, it''s terrible.'
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-elseif anrand = 21:
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- 'A Chukcha sits on the shore of the Bering Strait. An American submarine surfaces.'
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- 'The American captain opens the hatch and asks: "Which way is Alaska?"'
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- 'The Chukcha points his finger: "That way!"'
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- '"Thanks!" says the American, shouts "South-South-East, bearing 159.5 degrees!" down the hatch and the submarine submerges.'
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- 'Ten minutes later, a Soviet submarine emerges. The Russian captain opens the hatch and asks the Chukcha: "Where did the American submarine go?"'
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- 'The Chukcha replies: "South-South-East bearing 159.5 degrees!"'
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- '"Don''t be a smart-ass", says the captain, "just point your finger!'
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-elseif anrand = 22:
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- 'I have the heart of a lion and lifetime ban from the zoo.'
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-elseif anrand = 23:
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- 'I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather'
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- 'Not screaming in terror like his bus passengers.'
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-elseif anrand = 24:
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- 'Give a man a fire and he''s warm for a day'
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- 'Set him on fire and he''s warm for the rest of his life.'
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-elseif anrand = 25:
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- 'Father: Son, you were adopted'
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- 'Son: What? I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!'
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- 'Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, they''ll be here to pick you up in 20 minutes.'
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-elseif anrand = 26:
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- 'When I was younger, I felt like a man trapped in a woman''s body.'
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- 'Then I was born'
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-elseif anrand = 27:
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- 'I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.'
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-elseif anrand = 28:
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- 'Father: Son, I don''t think you''re cut out to be a mime'
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- 'Son: Why, was it something I said?'
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-elseif anrand = 29:
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- 'My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her'
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- 'I told her to name her soon before she turns into a criminal'
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- 'I''m not having my niece on the news like all those other 17 year old criminals who have yet to be named.'
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-elseif anrand = 30:
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- 'I went into a shop for a book about turtles'
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- 'The woman asked me "Hardback?"'
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- 'I said yes, with the flippers.'
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-elseif anrand = 31:
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- 'Did you hear about the sick clown?'
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- 'It was all shits and giggles.'
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-elseif anrand = 32:
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- 'My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance'
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- 'We''ll see about that'
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-elseif anrand = 33:
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- 'My father always used to say "Whatever doesn''t kill you, makes you stronger"'
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- 'Until the accident at least.'
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-elseif anrand = 34:
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- 'The best time to add insult to injury is when you''re signing the cast.'
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-elseif anrand = 35:
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- 'I wrote a letter to the post office about my mail being stolen'
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- 'To make sure they read it I put it inside a birthday card.'
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-elseif anrand = 36:
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- 'I''m sure wherever my father is, he''s looking down on us'
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- 'He''s not dead, just very condescending.'
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-elseif anrand = 37:
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- 'My father is a family man'
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- 'He has three of them.'
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-elseif anrand = 38:
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- 'Everyone tells you to live your dreams'
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- 'But I don''t want to be naked in an exam I haven''t studied for.'
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-elseif anrand = 39:
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- 'I tried water polo but my horse drowned.'
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-end
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-killvar 'anrand'
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-
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---- anekdot ---------------------------------
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-
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