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@@ -5,12 +5,12 @@ if anrand = 0:
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'What is the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman?'
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'Snowballs.'
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elseif anrand = 1:
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- 'Somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean two submarines, Russian and American, come to the surface.'
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+ 'Somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, two submarines, Russian and American, come to the surface.'
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'The Russian one is old and rusty while the American one is new and sleek matte black.'
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'On the Soviet one, the crew lounges about lazily and a drunken captain yells at them, "Who threw a valenok on the control board? I''m asking you who threw a valenok on the control board?!"'
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'From the American submarine, a clean-shaven, sober, and smartly-dressed captain yells scornfully, "You know, folks, in America..."'
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'The Russian captain dismissively interrupts him, "America??! Ain''t no fucking America no more!!"'
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- '[He turns back to his crew] "For the last time who threw a valenok on the control board?!"'
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+ '[He turns back to his crew] "For the last time, who threw a valenok on the control board?!"'
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elseif anrand = 2:
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'Two old men on a bench in a nursing home.'
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'One says, "My grandson asked me yesterday what I did during the sexual revolution."'
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@@ -30,9 +30,9 @@ elseif anrand = 6:
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elseif anrand = 7:
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'I''m selling my parrot. Why you ask? Because yesterday the bastard tried to sell me.'
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elseif anrand = 8:
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- 'They threw me out of the cinema the other day for bringing my own food. Come on though, the prices are way too high and it''s been ages since I had a barbecue.'
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+ 'They threw me out of the cinema the other day for bringing my own food. Come on though, the prices are way too high, and it''s been ages since I had a barbecue.'
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elseif anrand = 9:
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- 'I went to the zoo the other day, but they only had a dog on display. It was a shitzu.'
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+ 'I went to the zoo the other day, but they only had a dog on display. It was a shih tzu.'
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elseif anrand = 10:
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'An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it''s an exit'
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'A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it''s an oncoming train'
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@@ -48,9 +48,9 @@ elseif anrand = 14:
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'Light travels faster than sound.'
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'That''s why a lot of people look smart until they start talking.'
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elseif anrand = 15:
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- 'Stalking: When a couple enjoys long romantic walks with each other, but only one them is aware of that fact.'
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+ 'Stalking: when a couple enjoys long romantic walks with each other, but only one them is aware of that fact.'
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elseif anrand = 16:
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- 'When a guy says he likes girls with a sense of humour that doesn''t mean he wants a girl to be witty and funny'
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+ 'When a guy says he likes girls with a sense of humour, that doesn''t mean he wants a girl to be witty and funny'
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'He just wants someone to finally laugh at his jokes.'
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elseif anrand = 17:
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'I never understood why "bra" is singular and "panties" are plural'
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@@ -73,28 +73,28 @@ elseif anrand = 21:
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'The Chukcha replies, "South-South-East bearing 159.5 degrees!"'
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'"Don''t be a smart-ass", says the captain, "just point your finger!'
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elseif anrand = 22:
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- 'I have the heart of a lion and lifetime ban from the zoo.'
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+ 'I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.'
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elseif anrand = 23:
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'I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather'
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'Not screaming in terror like his bus passengers.'
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elseif anrand = 24:
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- 'Give a man a fire and he''s warm for a day'
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- 'Set him on fire and he''s warm for the rest of his life.'
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+ 'Give a man a fire, and he''s warm for a day'
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+ 'Set him on fire, and he''s warm for the rest of his life.'
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elseif anrand = 25:
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'Father says, "Son, you were adopted"'
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'Son replies, "What? I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"'
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'Father retorts, "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, because they''ll be here to pick you up in 20 minutes."'
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elseif anrand = 26:
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- 'When I was younger I felt like a man trapped in a woman''s body.'
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+ 'When I was younger, I felt like a man trapped in a woman''s body.'
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'Then I was born'
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elseif anrand = 27:
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- 'I was raised as an only child which really annoyed my sister.'
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+ 'I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.'
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elseif anrand = 28:
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'Father says, "Son, I don''t think you''re cut out to be a mime"'
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'Son retorts, "Why? Was it something I said?"'
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elseif anrand = 29:
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- 'My sister had a baby that they took a while to name her'
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- 'I told her to name her soon before she turns into a criminal'
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+ 'My sister had a baby that they took a while to name'
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+ 'I told her to name her soon before she turned into a criminal'
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'I''m not having my niece on the news like all those other 17 year old criminals who have yet to be named.'
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elseif anrand = 30:
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'I went into a shop for a book about turtles'
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@@ -113,9 +113,9 @@ elseif anrand = 34:
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'The best time to add insult to injury is when you''re signing the cast.'
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elseif anrand = 35:
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'I wrote a letter to the post office about my mail being stolen'
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- 'To make sure they read it I put it inside a birthday card.'
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+ 'To make sure they read it, I put it inside a birthday card.'
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elseif anrand = 36:
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- 'I''m sure wherever my father is that he''s looking down on us'
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+ 'I''m sure, wherever my father, is that he''s looking down on us'
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'He''s not dead. He''s just very condescending.'
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elseif anrand = 37:
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'My father is a family man'
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