glife/locations/anekdot.qsrc

# anekdot
anrand = rand(0, 39)
	*p '"'
if anrand = 0:
	'What is the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman?'
	'Snowballs."'
elseif anrand = 1:
	'Somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, two submarines, Russian and American, come to the surface.'
	'The Russian one is old and rusty while the American one is new and sleek matte black.'
	'On the Soviet one, the crew lounges about lazily and a drunken captain yells at them, "Who threw a valenok on the control board? I''m asking you who threw a valenok on the control board?!"'
	'From the American submarine, a clean-shaven, sober, and smartly-dressed captain yells scornfully, "You know, folks, in America..."'
	'The Russian captain dismissively interrupts him, "America??! Ain''t no fucking America no more!!"'
	'[He turns back to his crew] "For the last time, who threw a valenok on the control board?!"'
elseif anrand = 2:
	'Two old men on a bench in a nursing home.'
	'One says, "My grandson asked me yesterday what I did during the sexual revolution."'
	'The other replies, "So what did you tell him?"'
	'"I told him I was captured almost immediately and got a life sentence washing dishes."'
elseif anrand = 3:
	'My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally, I had to take away his bike."'
elseif anrand = 4:
	'The bank was robbed today by a naked woman.'
	'No-one could remember her face."'
elseif anrand = 5:
	'I thought I''d tell you a good time travel joke - But you didn''t like it."'
elseif anrand = 6:
	'I heard a report about a stomach virus going around.'
	'Apparently, it causes 9 out of 10 people to suffer from diarrhea.'
	'I just can''t stop wondering about the one person who enjoys it."'
elseif anrand = 7:
	'I''m selling my parrot. Why you ask? Because yesterday the bastard tried to sell me."'
elseif anrand = 8:
	'They threw me out of the cinema the other day for bringing my own food. Come on though, the prices are way too high, and it''s been ages since I had a barbecue."'
elseif anrand = 9:
	'I went to the zoo the other day, but they only had a dog on display. It was a shih tzu."'
elseif anrand = 10:
	'An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it''s an exit'
	'A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it''s an oncoming train'
	'A train driver sees two idiots on the tracks."'
elseif anrand = 11:
	'Yes, money can''t buy you happiness, but I''d still feel a lot happier crying in a brand new BMW."'
elseif anrand = 12:
	'Don''t be sad when a bird shits on your head. Be happy pigs can''t fly."'
elseif anrand = 13:
	'I used to believe the brain was the most important organ.'
	'Then I thought, "Look what''s telling me that."'
elseif anrand = 14:
	'Light travels faster than sound.'
	'That''s why a lot of people look smart until they start talking."'
elseif anrand = 15:
	'Stalking: when a couple enjoys long romantic walks with each other, but only one them is aware of that fact."'
elseif anrand = 16:
	'When a guy says he likes girls with a sense of humour, that doesn''t mean he wants a girl to be witty and funny'
	'He just wants someone to finally laugh at his jokes."'
elseif anrand = 17:
	'I never understood why "bra" is singular and "panties" are plural'
	'Let''s just get rid of both."'
elseif anrand = 18:
	'During a job interview I was asked to characterize myself in five words.'
	'"Quite Lazy"."'
elseif anrand = 19:
	'I always carry an EpiPen'
	'My friend gave it to me when he was dying, so it was obviously very important to him."'
elseif anrand = 20:
	'I bought a thesaurus yesterday'
	'Not only is it terrible, but it''s terrible."'
elseif anrand = 21:
	'A Chukcha sits on the shore of the Bering Strait. An American submarine surfaces.'
	'The American captain opens the hatch and asks, "Which way is Alaska?"'
	'The Chukcha points his finger. "That way!"'
	'"Thanks," says the American then shouts "South-South-East, bearing 159.5 degrees!" down the hatch and the submarine submerges.'
	'Ten minutes later, a Soviet submarine emerges. The Russian captain opens the hatch and asks the Chukcha, "Where did the American submarine go?"'
	'The Chukcha replies, "South-South-East bearing 159.5 degrees!"'
	'"Don''t be a smart-ass", says the captain, "just point your finger!"."'
elseif anrand = 22:
	'I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo."'
elseif anrand = 23:
	'I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather'
	'Not screaming in terror like his bus passengers."'
elseif anrand = 24:
	'Give a man a fire, and he''s warm for a day'
	'Set him on fire, and he''s warm for the rest of his life."'
elseif anrand = 25:
	'Father says, "Son, you were adopted"'
	'Son replies, "What? I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"'
	'Father retorts, "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, because they''ll be here to pick you up in 20 minutes."'
elseif anrand = 26:
	'When I was younger, I felt like a man trapped in a woman''s body.'
	'Then I was born."'
elseif anrand = 27:
	'I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."'
elseif anrand = 28:
	'Father says, "Son, I don''t think you''re cut out to be a mime"'
	'Son retorts, "Why? Was it something I said?"'
elseif anrand = 29:
	'My sister had a baby that they took a while to name'
	'I told her to name her soon before she turned into a criminal'
	'I''m not having my niece on the news like all those other 17 year old criminals who have yet to be named."'
elseif anrand = 30:
	'I went into a shop for a book about turtles'
	'The woman asked me, "Hardback?"'
	'I said,  "Yes, but with the flippers."."'
elseif anrand = 31:
	'Did you hear about the sick clown?'
	'It was all shits and giggles."'
elseif anrand = 32:
	'My therapist says that I have a preoccupation with vengeance'
	'We''ll see about that."'
elseif anrand = 33:
	'My father always used to say, "Whatever doesn''t kill you makes you stronger"'
	'Until the accident at least."'
elseif anrand = 34:
	'The best time to add insult to injury is when you''re signing the cast."'
elseif anrand = 35:
	'I wrote a letter to the post office about my mail being stolen'
	'To make sure they read it, I put it inside a birthday card."'
elseif anrand = 36:
	'I''m sure, wherever my father, is that he''s looking down on us'
	'He''s not dead. He''s just very condescending."'
elseif anrand = 37:
	'My father is a family man'
	'He has three of them."'
elseif anrand = 38:
	'Everyone tells you to live your dreams'
	'But I don''t want to be naked in an exam I haven''t studied for."'
elseif anrand = 39:
	'I tried water polo but my horse drowned."'
end
killvar 'anrand'

--- anekdot ---------------------------------