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@@ -1,9 +1,9 @@
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# anekdot
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-anrand = rand(0, 50)
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+anrand = rand(0, 39)
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if anrand = 0:
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- '- How do you feel about clowns?'
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- '- Just do not have to provoke me on anti-government statements!'
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+ 'What is the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman?'
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+ 'Snowballs.'
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elseif anrand = 1:
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'Somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, two submarines, Russian and American, come to the surface.'
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'The Russian one is old and rusty, the American one is new and sleek matte black.'
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@@ -17,98 +17,53 @@ elseif anrand = 2:
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'The other replies, "So what did you tell him?"'
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'"I told him I was captured almost immediately, and got a life sentence, washing dishes.'
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elseif anrand = 3:
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- 'Odessa. Is brought by the fat lady, and a few steps behind her with huge bags woven skinny husband. Strap for holding one of the bags hanging in different directions, the child. Man said sadly:'
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- '- Fima still believe my experience:never get married!'
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- 'The boy thinks for a long time, poking a finger in the nose of his free hand, and then it is reasonable to ask:'
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- '- Dad, who I will then share their bitter experience?'
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+ 'My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take away his bike.'
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elseif anrand = 4:
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- 'Policeman - GIVE'
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- 'Chief - TRIBUTE'
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- 'Beggar - Kinh'
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- 'Doctor - take out'
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- 'Official - SUN'
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- 'Billion oligarch - QUY'
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- 'Instead of the normal wage - PRICK'
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-
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- 'Live in Russia, but for some "Chinese" literacy ...'
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+ 'The bank was robbed today by a naked woman.'
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+ 'No-one could remember her face'
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elseif anrand = 5:
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- 'Unlike other cats, my perfectly distinguish day and night.'
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- 'Throughout the night sleeping in the bedroom, and in the morning cheerfully runs sleep in the hall.'
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+ 'I thought I''d tell you a good time travel joke - But you didn''t like it.'
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elseif anrand = 6:
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- 'Our Earth - is a place where aliens show their children how to live.'
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+ 'I heard a report about that stomach virus going around.'
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+ 'Apparently it causes 9 out of 10 people to suffer from diarreha.'
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+ 'I just can''t stop wondering about the one person who enjoys it.'
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elseif anrand = 7:
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- 'At the press conference:'
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- '- Anatoly Borisitch, but you promised all along the Volga River, in exchange for a voucher? Where can I get my part?'
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- '- Take a bucket, go to Nizhny Novgorod, go to the river ...'
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+ 'I''m selling my parrot. Why? Because yesterday the bastard tried to sell me.'
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elseif anrand = 8:
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- 'Girls, if you had a choice:world peace or neoblezayuschy manicure, what color nail polish would you choose?'
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+ 'They threw me out of the cinema the other day for bringing my own food. Come on though, the prices are way too high and it''s been ages since I had a barbecue.'
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elseif anrand = 9:
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- 'We as if dancing in the church - you''re the defendant, and you will be put, and if more than one hundred million stolen - you are only a witness ...'
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+ 'I went to the zoo the other day but they only had a dog on display. It was a shitzu.'
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elseif anrand = 10:
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- 'Based on teachers'' wages, our government consists of vengeful Losers.'
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+ 'An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it''s an exit'
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+ 'A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it''s an oncoming train'
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+ 'A train driver sees two idiots on the tracks.'
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elseif anrand = 11:
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- 'What''s meant by an exchange of opinions in the Communist party?'
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- 'It''s when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the party''s.'
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+ 'Yes, money can''t buy you happiness but I''d still feel a lot happier crying in a brand new BMW.'
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elseif anrand = 12:
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- 'A guy goes to a meeting late, nervous, can not find a place to park. Raises his face to the sky and said:'
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- '- Lord, help me to find a place to park. I then give up drinking and going every Sunday to go to church!'
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- 'Miraculously appears free place. Guy again turned to the sky:'
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- '- And, all is not necessary. Found!'
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+ 'Don''t be sad when a bird shits on your head. Be happy pigs can''t fly.'
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elseif anrand = 13:
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- 'A Russian and an American are sentenced to Hell.'
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- 'The Devil summons them and says: "Guys, you have 2 options: an American or Russian Hell. In the American one you can do what you want, but you''ll have to eat a bucket of shit every morning. The Russian one is the same, but it''s 2 buckets."'
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- 'The Yankee quickly makes up his mind and goes to American Hell, while the Russian eventually chooses the Russian one.'
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- 'In a week or so they meet. The Russian asks: "So, what''s it like out there?"'
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- '"Exactly what the devil said, the Hell itself is OK, but eating a bucket of shit is killing me. And you?"'
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- '"Ah, it feels just like home - either the shit doesn''t get delivered or there aren''t enough buckets for everyone!'
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+ 'I used to believe the brain was the most imoprtant organ'
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+ 'Then I thought, look what''s telling me that.'
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elseif anrand = 14:
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- 'Comes out in the morning traffic cop on the road, his head after yesterday''s split.'
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- 'Looks - Jeep carried. Well, he stopped him in order to collect funds for the sober. Looks, and there sits a homeless person. Documents examined - though homeless machine. Well cop asked him:'
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- '- You''re a bum. Where did you get such a cool took a wheelbarrow?'
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- '- A new Russian drunk I offered if I make them laugh - my jeep. Well, I have them and laugh.'
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- '- But how?'
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- '- Yes, I''m one bald head on shit, it just grew hair, it''s killing was.'
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- 'Ment removes cap, there bald. He says:'
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- '- And you do not care because I can?'
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- '- Can.'
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- 'Bum shit cop on his bald head, a out of the bushes hear laughter and crying:'
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- '- No, well, finally, so I gave him another hut and gifts.'
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+ 'Light travels faster than sound'
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+ 'That''s why a lot of people look smart until they start talking.'
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elseif anrand = 15:
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- 'Glamorous Muscovite comes to visit the village to the grandmother.'
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- '- Grandma, where you can go there at night?'
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- '- In a bucket.'
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+ 'Stalking: When a couple enjoy long, romantic walks with each other but only one them is aware of that fact.'
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elseif anrand = 16:
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- 'Lesson "Fundamentals of Orthodox Culture." The teacher:'
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- '- And remember, kids! Those who would learn to "4" and "5", will go to paradise. A'
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- 'those who will learn from the "2" and "3" - to hell!'
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- 'Little Johnny from the back row:'
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- '- Marivanna, and that can not be alive to finish school?'
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+ 'When a guy says he likes girls with a sense of humour, that doesn''t mean he wants a girl to be witty and funny'
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+ 'He just wants someone to finally laugh at his jokes.'
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elseif anrand = 17:
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- ' When Stalin was in office, he once noted that there were mice in his study and complained to President Kalinin about this.'
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- 'The President thought for a moment and suggested, "Why don''t you put up a sign reading - Collective Farm? Half the mice will die of hunger and the other half will run away."'
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+ 'I never understood why "bra" is singular and "panties" are plural'
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+ 'Let''s just get rid of both.'
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elseif anrand = 18:
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- 'Husband:'
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- '- What in-law is coming?'
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- 'Wife:'
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- '- Numbers or dick?'
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+ 'During a job interview I was asked to characterize myself in five words.'
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+ '"Quite Lazy"'
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elseif anrand = 19:
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- 'English lesson.'
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- 'In the back row got a man - checking'
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- 'of the District Board. Young teacher writing on the chalkboard English phrase and asks the students to translate. The class is silent, and suddenly, with the penultimate hand pulls Vovochka desks.'
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- 'The teacher hesitated, but do nothing - has caused.'
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- 'Little Johnny:'
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- '- That ass. Now to plant!'
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- 'The teacher, blushing with shame:'
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- '- Little Johnny, how can you!!!'
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- 'Little Johnny said, turning to the man:'
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- '- Do you know English - nothing to prompt!'
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+ 'I always carry an EpiPen'
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+ 'My friend gave it to me when he was dying so it was obviously very important to him.'
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elseif anrand = 20:
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- 'Husband to his Wife:'
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- '- Let''s play pretend games.'
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- '- How''s that?'
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- '- Well, as if you were Little Red Riding Hood, and I am a wolf.'
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- '- Class, come on!'
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- '- Well, then, go, bake pies...'
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+ 'I bought a thesaurus yesterday'
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+ 'Not only is it terrible, it''s terrible.'
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elseif anrand = 21:
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'A Chukcha sits on the shore of the Bering Strait. An American submarine surfaces.'
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'The American captain opens the hatch and asks: "Which way is Alaska?"'
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@@ -118,166 +73,58 @@ elseif anrand = 21:
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'The Chukcha replies: "South-South-East bearing 159.5 degrees!"'
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'"Don''t be a smart-ass", says the captain, "just point your finger!'
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elseif anrand = 22:
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- 'Headquarters of the Ku Klux Klan:'
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- '- Tell me, how do I join your organization?'
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- '- It''s easy. Soak 6 blacks and one cat.'
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- '- A cat for that?'
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- '- Congratulations, you are taken'
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+ 'I have the heart of a lion and lifetime ban from the zoo.'
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elseif anrand = 23:
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- 'There are three friends.'
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- 'One wife for ten years - another mistress - third betrothed (the bride).'
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- 'Well discussed their men, this and that - decided to experiment:wear leather black lingerie - sexy stockings with belt - high heels - an eye mask, and so to meet their loved ones.'
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- 'A week later found.'
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- '"Bride" tells - He came home, I met him in stockings, wearing a mask in high heels - he attacked me said that I love of his life and we had sex all night.'
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- 'Mistress says - I went to his office - shut the door - opened the cloak - and there''s leather underwear, mask, heels - he did not say anything, but we have 5 hours of non-stop having sex.'
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- 'Wife says sheepishly - husband came home from work, I opened the door in black leather lingerie, sexy stockings and a mask - he looked at me and asked, "What''s for dinner, Batman?"'
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+ 'I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather'
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+ 'Not screaming in terror like his bus passengers.'
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elseif anrand = 24:
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- '- Your bank gives loans on parole?'
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- '- No problem...'
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- '- And if I do not return?'
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- '- You will be ashamed before God when appear.'
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- '- When it has to be...'
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- '- Now, if the fifth do not return, the sixth appear.'
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+ 'Give a man a fire and he''s warm for a day'
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+ 'Set him on fire and he''s warm for the rest of his life.'
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elseif anrand = 25:
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- 'Biology lesson.'
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- 'The teacher tells the children:'
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- '- Children! You know that stamen and pistil in flowers - is the reproductive organs.'
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- 'On the back row Vovochka:'
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- '- Damn. I smelt them.'
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+ 'Father: Son, you were adopted'
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+ 'Son: What? I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!'
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+ 'Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, they''ll be here to pick you up in 20 minutes.'
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elseif anrand = 26:
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- 'A young woman in a miniskirt jumps onto a bus. The bus starts abruptly, and she falls onto the lap of a seated priest.'
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- 'Surprised, she looks down and exclaims, "Wow!"'
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- '"It''s not a ''wow!'', my daughter", says the priest, "it is the key to the Cathedral of Christ the Saviour!"'
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+ 'When I was younger, I felt like a man trapped in a woman''s body.'
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+ 'Then I was born'
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elseif anrand = 27:
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- 'A plane is flying. The pilot on the speakerphone:'
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- '- Ladies and gentlemen, you are greeted by the captain. Listen to the information about our flight. Our flight is at an altitude of 10, 000 feet at a speed of 900 kilometers per hour, the temperature behind... Shit... A-A-A-A! .. What''s that? .. WELL, PIZDETS...'
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- 'Inside, a deathly silence.'
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-
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- 'A minute later, again on the radio:'
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- '- I beg your pardon our dear passengers. Just that our flight attendant knocked on my hot coffee. Did you now my white pants in front...'
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- 'A guy in the front row:'
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- '- Your pants, it''s all garbage! You should have seen my pants back...'
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+ 'I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.'
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elseif anrand = 28:
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- 'Escaped from a zoo elephant. Call the sheriff:'
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- '- Sir! In my garden there is a huge gray rat!!!!'
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- 'She sryvet tail cabbage......'
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- '- And what is it doing?'
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- '- Sir! You will not believe!.....'
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+ 'Father: Son, I don''t think you''re cut out to be a mime'
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+ 'Son: Why, was it something I said?'
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elseif anrand = 29:
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- 'Marriage bed - a husband and wife:'
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- 'Wife:- My dear, let''s we play role-playing games?'
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- 'Husband:- Come on.'
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- 'Wife:- You are a taxi driver, and I am a young, pretty girl who arrived, but I have no money with him to pay the fare.'
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- 'Husband:- Come on.'
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- 'Wife:- Uncle taxi driver, I have no money to pay the fare, let me go, please!'
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- 'Husband:- Go...'
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+ 'My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her'
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+ 'I told her to name her soon before she turns into a criminal'
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+ 'I''m not having my niece on the news like all those other 17 year old criminals who have yet to be named.'
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elseif anrand = 30:
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- 'Put a baby pacifier next to the stove, and it melted stuck to the table.'
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- 'Searched Yandex: How to pull out the nipple?...'
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- 'Forgot what I was looking for...'
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+ 'I went into a shop for a book about turtles'
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+ 'The woman asked me "Hardback?"'
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+ 'I said yes, with the flippers.'
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elseif anrand = 31:
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- 'Once upon a time an old Indian told his grandson one vital truth.'
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- '- Inside every man is a struggle, much like the struggle between two wolves.'
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- 'One wolf is evil - envy, jealousy, sorrow, selfishness, ambition, lies...'
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- 'The other wolf is good - peace, love, hope, courtesy, truth, goodness, faithfulness...'
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- 'Little Indian, touched to the heart the words of his grandfather, thought for a few moments, and then asked:'
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- '- And what a wolf wins in the end?'
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- 'Face of an old Indian touched a faint smile, and he replied:'
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- '- Always wins the wolf that you feed.'
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+ 'Did you hear about the sick clown?'
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+ 'It was all shits and giggles.'
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elseif anrand = 32:
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- 'A person on a bus tells a joke: "Do you know why policemen always go in pairs?"'
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- '"No, why?"'
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- '"Its specialization: one knows how to read, the other knows how to write."'
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- 'A hand promptly grabs him by the shoulder – a policeman is standing right behind him!'
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- '"Your papers!" he barks. The hapless person surrenders his official papers.'
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- 'The policeman opens them, reads, and nods to his partner: "Write him a citation for slandering the Soviet Militsiya, Vasya".'
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+ 'My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengence'
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+ 'We''ll see about that'
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elseif anrand = 33:
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- '- I do not know what to do. Cockroaches tortured. Shastayut everywhere - no peace.'
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- '- Did you buy a piece of chalk for cockroaches.'
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- '- What helps?'
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- '- Of course. You see - sitting in a corner, draw...'
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+ 'My father always used to say "Whatever doesn''t kill you, makes you stronger"'
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+ 'Until the accident at least.'
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elseif anrand = 34:
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- 'Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."'
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- '"I see millions and millions of stars."'
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- '"And what do you deduce from that?"'
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- '"Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."'
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- '"Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent!"'
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+ 'The best time to add insult to injury is when you''re signing the cast.'
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elseif anrand = 35:
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- 'It feels like an old Russian saying "fools no law" and the concept of "parliamentary immunity" are somehow connected.'
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+ 'I wrote a letter to the post office about my mail being stolen'
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+ 'To make sure they read it I put it inside a birthday card.'
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elseif anrand = 36:
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- 'If money is measured in groups, I have a dimple.'
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+ 'I''m sure wherever my father is, he''s looking down on us'
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+ 'He''s not dead, just very condescending.'
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elseif anrand = 37:
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- 'Policeman stops the car.'
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- 'Lowered the window, the driver of an ingratiating smile:'
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- '"Good morning, Comrade Captain''s right please, TITLE, power of attorney, strahovochka itself, everything is as it should be, as it should..."'
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- 'With the rear seat child''s voice:'
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- '"Dad, where''s the box?"'
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+ 'My father is a family man'
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+ 'He has three of them.'
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elseif anrand = 38:
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- '- Why are you so inflated? What happened?'
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- '- Give her husband on Feb. 23 of fishing lures.'
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- '- Well, all right. You have it for 10 years every weekend fishing goes. What''s wrong?'
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- '- He''s in his hands turned, and turned and asked:What is it??'
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+ 'Everyone tells you to live your dreams'
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+ 'But I don''t want to be naked in an exam I haven''t studied for.'
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elseif anrand = 39:
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- 'Mom asks young son:'
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- '- Little Johnny, and who ate all the candy?'
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- 'son:'
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- '- Brownie.'
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- 'A voice from behind the stove:'
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- '- Do not bullshit me!'
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-elseif anrand = 40:
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- 'Pole comes to church for confession and says to the priest:'
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- '- Ban the priest, I have sinned.'
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- '- What is the sin, my son?'
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- '- I cheated a Jew...'
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- 'The priest, after a brief hesitation:'
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- '- It is not a sin, my son. It''s a miracle!'
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-elseif anrand = 41:
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- 'University. Session. Reading room.'
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- 'A lot of people how to prepare.'
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- 'To one student comes another:'
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- '- Hey, you''re holding the book upside down!'
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- '- And you''re human, Freud, or what?'
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- '- And then Freud?'
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- '- This is - the book! What are her legs? You still say that I look down it between the pages ..!'
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-elseif anrand = 42:
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- 'A man finds an old bottle, picks it up and opens it.'
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- 'The Genie comes out of the bottle and says: "Thanks so much for letting me out! I feel I should do something for you, too. Would you like to become a Hero of the Soviet Union?".'
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- 'The guy says: "Yes, sure!"'
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- 'Next thing he knows, he finds himself on a battlefield with five grenades, alone against five German panzers.'
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-elseif anrand = 43:
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- 'Jew, before reaching home by taxi, goes silently out of the car and starts'
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- 'fumbling in his pockets, and under his breath mutters:'
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- '- Damn, it seems the car dropped the purse...'
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- 'Hearing this, the taxi driver presses the gas and unwound. Jew, looking after the taxi, sarcastically says:'
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- '- A Rabinovich is not lying, it really works...'
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-elseif anrand = 44:
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- 'Son quarrels with parents:'
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- '- I''m tired of always be with you, always be on time! I want romance, freedom, beer, girls! I''m going, and do not try to hold me back!'
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- 'Son resolutely goes to the door. At the door of his father catches.'
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- '- Dad, I said, do not try to stop me!'
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- '- I''m not stopping you, son. I''m with you!'
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-elseif anrand = 45:
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- 'Met a girl on a hen party. All night they were telling jokes,'
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- 'funny stories and shared with the other sisters their dreams...'
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- 'By the morning of the cabinet fell dead with shame lieutenant Rzhev.'
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-elseif anrand = 46:
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- 'Turkmen President Saparmurat Niyazov in the great book "Rukhnama" proudly says that Turkmen invented the wheel, writing, smelting metals. No one denies that. Just the other nations at this time to produce computers and flew to the moon.'
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-elseif anrand = 47:
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- '- I hesitate to put you a diagnosis...'
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- 'Probably, it is alcoholism.'
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- '- All right, doctor. I''ll be there when you''re sober.'
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-elseif anrand = 48:
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- 'I do not want to say old, but all the sounds that I was making once during sex, now I publish, just from your couch...'
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-elseif anrand = 49:
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- 'Wife to her Husband says:'
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- '- Let''s make love like in the movies! The husband agreed. Had it, as he wanted, then on her face cumshot...'
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- 'She wiped:'
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- '- Yeah, my favorite! Other films we''re looking!!'
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-elseif anrand = 50:
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- 'it is:'
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- '- Tell me why if a guy had a lot of girls, he - macho, but if the girl a lot of guys - damn it?'
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- 'he:'
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- '- You know, if one key opens many locks - a key drop dead! And if one lock fit all the keys - it''s definitely worthless castle!'
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+ 'I tried water polo but my horse drowned.'
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end
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--- anekdot ---------------------------------
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KevinSmarts